i am tired

"Тор" - аппарат дистанционного электромагнитного подавления вирусов

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My words

I'm staring into endless void
Of starlight and of hope devoid,
But when I try to break away,
The skies look like this pit, the same.

Upon its gates the trial's held,
And I'm behind defendant's stand.
I prosecute, I judge, object,
But I will not myself defend.

"Not guilty" verdict was my bane,
Like groundhog's day returned again,
And now, not to overextend,
I'll put this fallacy to end.

I'm tired of seeing myself again
Each passing day grows my disdain
But now I'm ready to repent
And discontinue my descent.

Hypocrisy, and lies, and more...
All, that I usually abhor,
Has rooted deeply in my soul,
And undermined my better goal.

I'm not religious, but believe
In greater cause, for which to live
But what I've done and what I thought
Betrayed this dream that I have sought.

The ancient sins of human kin
Have left their marks upon my skin
And I am tainted by mistakes.
No turning back, there's no retake.

It's easier to count those falls,
Of which became I thoughtless thrall,
Than seek rare virtue, being made
By these obese and spoiled hands.

When did it start? When have I let
Become myself a sorry pet
Of Gluttony? Each bite and swig
Have made me closer to a pig
Than human; how could one not
Contempt and execrate such bloat?

And when I've tried to find a way
To purify myself, to stray
From path, which obviously leads
To only furthering the needs
I've yet again been weak, like moth
Before the flame, - I longed for Sloth.

"Tomorrow", - was my best excuse.
Why was I trying to refuse
From doing anything required
If even was not really tired?
Sloth doesn't let me go away
From childhood to this very day.

The time have passed, and then just once
I've won the prize, and in long pounce
Not me, but Pride has took the place
Upon the pedestal's embrace
And even now, then I require
Sentence, it reads back, admires
And wants all others do the same,
And me to thirst for praise and fame.

Another one, who lurks inside,
Is Greed, and comes like raging tide
The urge to have, to bear, to wield...
It's nearly hopeless not to yield.
And when this wave has briefly passed,
You always know - it won't be last.

And next one is, of course, the Lust.
I'd kept it still inside, but must
Confess, that every passing day
It's growing harder to obey
The mind, and not the primal needs.
I've all my life preferred to heed
And now I know, that would be best
To not put others to the test.
Who could have wanted being loved
By man like me? So here I stand
Away from others: to protect
Them from me, and to recollect.
These memories are dust for them;
They worth much more than any gem
For me; a subtle touch,
a look, a whisper is like glass,
Like stone, unflinching; so bypass
It could only sight. So, that is left for me, is dream,
And I suppress this wordless scream
Each time I see another eyes,
And dancing beauty, which there lies.
Because it's like a whip, a blaze,
It's better to avert my gaze
And yet again return to bog,
Where I, quite overtly, belong.
But it won't help - in sleepless cold
These damning eyes, and words untold
Return again, like sparking stars,
Reminding of my prison's bars.

It doesn't help that I'm not blind
And all the hands, which intertwine
Remind me every once and then
That better not to leave my den.
But I cannot, for I'm addict
To some I know; so I restrict
Myself; yet Envy's foiled deck
Is full of trumps, so now my neck
Is in its hands; its hard to breathe,
But I don't have a place to leave.

The only sin I haven't yet
Discovered, is Wrath: his hunting net
I somehow managed to avoid.
And this, once more, makes me annoyed:
If only I have had this flame,
Then, maybe, I could harness, tame
Its power; but, alas, it's false
And I still can't approach my goals.

This trial goes forever on,
And every word hits like a stone,
But I cannot - and won't - object.
I've only verdict to expect.
Each witness testifies and leaves,
then prosecution takes up leads...
How do I want to leave this booth!
But I cannot run from the truth.
Well, prosecution has this one.
And I don't want to spoil the fun
For him... or better said, for us?
I like it too, this big demise,
I both have fear and feeling joy.
In hands of judgement I'm a toy,
But even if my end is nigh,
For me it's honor to comply.

At last, the sentence is now set
I close my eyes, and last regrets
Let go my mind, so weak and frail.
Impatience grows, my Holy Grail
Lays peacefully aside the judge.
The time has come to end this grudge.

I know for sure, what's in the blank,
But these last moments are like ankh -
Symbolic hope, marvelous sign...
But here, in this forgotten shrine
I am alone. So bring it in.
Let's put an end to all my sins.
And be it venom, noose or blade
I'll gladly face my end of fate.

Два типа художников

Бонни Тайлер. Портрет.

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